i grow a bit anxious

i haven't posted recently. as time passes between posts, i grow increasingly anxious. why? umm. well, it's either because i'm afraid i'll lose readers (hah), or i'm afraid i've run out of things to say (hah hah).

but, in all seriousness, i think it's the latter.

i don't, this minute, have anything profound to say. in fact, it's arguable that i ever have anything profound to say. in any case, i'd like to thank everyone for all of the feedback i received concerning my last post. if you're a blogger and wonder if anyone reads your blog, write about gender issues and you'll find out pretty quick.

the response was generally positive, with some concerns here and there about my denial of gender differences (we'll stay away from 'roles') - i think i've come to an understanding with all those concerned, i think. (women and men are different, but equal.) if anyone would like to enlighten/challenge me further, please do, or i will, in fact, kick you in the shin :)

someone mentioned the rising generation of males' lack of respect for women - they called it heartbreaking. i would have to agree. though i think that the rising generation of people have a general lack of respect for most things - the elderly, the middle-aged, me, each other. they do respect what tv tells them to respect, which i wish included regular people, rather than only the rich, famous, powerful, beautiful and plastic. is this a development? i don't know. i suppose that as generations pass, civil propriety is less and less of a concern and the instant gratification promised by technology captures focus.

also, it seems that as these young men continue to disrespect women, the young women expect less, require less. which came first? i couldn't say, but none of it is good. if the men were to begin respecting more, perhaps the women would expect more, but it would work the other way too, presumably.

it's funny how scantily clad women singing and dancing in ways that some (I) might find inappropriate think of themselves as being empowering to women.

i read about this band (they will remain nameless, though i'm sure a quick google search would steal their anonymity). there are 4 or 5 of them - all women, and they play shows without shirts. in the article, they were quoted as saying that they do this to empower young women to be confident and comfortable with their bodies.

am i the only one who finds this to be ridiculous? they are beautiful, thin musicians, and they think that by taking off their clothes, they are going to make young women feel better about themselves? they get more attention for their lack of clothing than for their music, and this is supposed to be empowering women?

isn't that kind of what we've been working against for decades? (i'll stop with the rhetorical questions now.) no one was arguing that women are attractive without their shirts. people were arguing what women could offer with their shirts on. this (maybe) talented group of women would inspire me if they left their clothes on and made good music - innovative, truthful music. that would make me feel empowered as a women - to know that i could make it in the music industry based on hard work and talent and without sacrificing any clothing.

hmm. i promise that when i started this post, i wasn't going to write about anything except some inconsequential bits of information about my life - i spent a lovely week with my friend johannah, we played a fun little show, i'm selling my car, i'm looking for another car to buy, yaddah yaddah yaddah. and here i am, at the end of another tirade.

my apologies for your thoughts :)

katie vs. the south

i grow weary of gender-role conversations.

i really do.

mostly because i hate feeling like a jerk, which is what always happens. i think it's because i'm misunderstood. i do not seek to batter kind men. that's not it at all. i'm not here to kick any man in the shin who even thinks about opening a door for me, or not allowing me to do manual labor.

thank you, kind men, for your kind deeds. it is not your actions against which i argue.

for some of you (and some of you women too) - it is your motivations, your thinking, your mindset.

i am 100% for acting kind, loving and courteous towards members of the opposite sex. that's very nice. i am not, however, willing to accept that these gestures are necessary or expected because you are a man and i am a woman. i do not want that door held for me (though i promise not to kick anyone in the shin) if it is because you are a man and i am a woman, i want it held for me because we are two human beings and you are showing kindness and consideration.

if i hold a door for a man out of this same kindness and consideration, i do not want to be looked at as if i am some sort of terrorist seeking the demise of the american family. i am not. i am simply seeking equality and understanding, love, humility, selflessness, and everything else that can be developed through remembering to serve others.

i think that my perspective is a bit unique because i have been rather independent for a very long time - no boyfriends carrying things or fixing my sink. now that i am in the south, men often offer to do things like walk me to my car, even when it's not very far and the journey is through a populated parking lot. i feel awkward when this happens, and i act awkwardly, and then the man rolls his eyes because he knows i am one of 'those girls' (the terrorist kind). this saddens me. i don't mean to be awkward and ungrateful. men, think of if every time we ate together, i offered to cut your food. that would seem awkward and unnecessary, right? sort of like i was treating you like a child? well, that's what these little gestures feel like to me.

(further more, if i were to offer to walk another female to her car, i would get the same terrorist look, as well as the awkward and unnecessary look. why? i think that i would be able to provide as much safety as many a man. if you're getting attacked, having another person around, be they man or woman, would be rather helpful, would it not?)

i'm working on being more accepting of these things, but it would be easier for me to do so, if i felt confident in the thoughts behind them.

let me reiterate that i am not calling for the cessation of all chivalric behavior, or any chivalric behavior. all i wish to challenge, is the thought behind it. i don't mind if a man offers to carry something heavy for me. he's probably stronger than me, so that makes sense. i'm not saying i wont offer to cook something for a man, if there's a good chance i'll be better at it. i would also offer to cook something for a woman, if there's a good chance i'll be better at it. this shouldn't be offensive, just like it shouldn't be offensive for a stronger man to offer to carry something for a not-so-strong man. we are all people with different abilities, largely disconnected to our genders. let us offer them up accordingly and offer little things out of love and not out of duty.

please, don't consider yourself kicked in the shin.

share your thoughts.

much love.

knowing is half the battle?

they say this - that knowing is half the battle. presumably, if one is aware of a problem, they are half way to solving it. i'm not too sure about this.

i've been thinking about this lately because, in this fun new world of adulthood, i've been becoming aware of many things about myself. knowing doesn't seem to bring me any closer to a solution. maybe it's different for everyone. i've always been pretty self-aware, which is good, but that doesn't mean i'm good at self-improvement. one would think that since i am aware of my troubles, i would be able to fix them more readily. this is not the case. i could list several things that i know hinder me from the life i want, but i don't really feel much closer to change.

most recently, all of this applies to my undeniable codependent tendencies. i think i've decided that this demon must be conquered over and over again. i've conquered it before, in certain relationships, but that does not mean it is out of me, or even make it any easier to win the battle in other relationships.



i'm a middle child. i've been called a 'fixer' more times than i can count, and even a 'meddler' more times than i care to remember. it's all out of love, but that doesn't make it healthy, or even selfless. i guess it comes down to trust, dependence. i'm finding more and more that most of my problems stem from pride and binding self-sufficiency. i don't trust people to make wise decisions on their own. i don't believe that God can care for people as well as i can. it hurts me. i hurt me by believing these things and doing these things.

solution? i'm not sure yet. i know that my care for other people is a gift, a strength, but will only reach its full potential if it is surrendered to the Gifter. i suppose it's like anything else - any good thing can be a harmful thing if left in the wrong hands. clearly, mine are the wrong hands.

let them be clean

i was reading last night in acts. i was reading in acts 10 and something struck me in this description of peter's vision:

11He saw heaven opened and something like a large sheet being let down to earth by its four corners. 12It contained all kinds of four-footed animals, as well as reptiles of the earth and birds of the air. 13Then a voice told him, "Get up, Peter. Kill and eat." 14"Surely not, Lord!" Peter replied. "I have never eaten anything impure or unclean." 15The voice spoke to him a second time,

"Do not call anything impure that God has made clean."

now, like everything else in the bible, this passage has a very important historical context (jews, mosaic law, gentiles, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah), but what struck me is the the part that i have so conveniently set apart in red.

this line spoke to me because there is something very specific in my life on which i have completely given up, something that i can't even imagine fixed, something i have have, very simply, called impure. in fact, only an hour or two before i read this, i was explaining to someone else, someone with more faith in the situation than me, why i have a hard time believing for rectification , why i find myself wanting only permanent brokenness, because my mind cannot conjure an image of wholeness.

i'm sure i'm not alone in this - when some person or situation very close to us, causes so much pain to us and/or to those we love, we just want it to end. we want the dying animal dead because we cannot imagine a world in which it were healthy and well again. it hurts us too much to hope for something that seems so far, so utterly impossible.

it is so much easier to ask God for the things we can easily imagine coming true, things we might actually be able to accomplish ourselves, naturally. these things are easy because we call them an exercise in faith, when really, we knew all along that the chances of success were very good. believing God for something we think is impossible - that's something different. there, we have something to loose, we leave ourselves vulnerable to hurt and disappointment.

and so, i am dipping my toe in the pool of real faith. i don't like it. it makes me uncomfortable. i would rather not do it.

but, i do want to learn to trust, to have real faith, to depend on something other than my own ability.

i do not want to call the things that God has made clean, impure.
i want to call them clean.
i am, after all, one of those things.

weekend update

it rained and rained.

i love to live in a place where there are many green things and grass and dirt, but the loveliness of my yard melts when it rains too much. i find myself sinking en route to my car, and making a giant leap over a mud bath, always hoping to land safely in my driver's seat. i haven't failed yet, but i dread the day.

though the rain dampened my spirits during these house-to-car trips (dampened, get it?), it was a good weekend.

friday, i worked both jobs. it was a long day, but the two workplaces are so very different, it was not tedious. hosting on a busy friday night does give one a sense of control amidst undeniable chaos. i like that.

after work, i had a handful of co-workers over for some drinks and some rock band. it was a good time.

saturday was la-hong (long). i woke up late, went to the raleigh farmers market for the first time. it was a pleasant trip, made more pleasant after my honey-stick purchase.

after the farmers market, i went to choir practice, then a worship-band rehearsal for a 'global impact celebration' youth service, then the service itself. then, i went home to get ready for the oscar begat show.

i always have a hard time figuring out what to wear to these things. i like to be all fun and rock-star, but my wardrobe is a little short on rock-star attire, so i have be creative. once i was relatively satisfied, i went to the venue.

whenever we have a show, there is always a big rush to get to the venue on time, and then we wait. marco and i were the last to arrive (about 9pm). we did basically nothing except eat our free food and drink our free drinks. we didn't play until about 11:30/12am. the opening band was on at 10, so we watched them (Brett Harris) and basically just hung out and talked about how many of the musicianny men around were definitely wearing pants smaller than mine. i tried to cope.

by the time we finally went on, a crowd of my fellow restauranteers had showed up. i was very excited to see them all there - being still kind of new to the area, i don't usually have a great 'katie section' at shows. i felt so loved and supported.

the show went relatively well. we were missing my dad (ronnie d) and so there were no guitar solos or lead guitar rifts. that was a bit sad, but the show went on. i played 'carey' by joni mitchell solo (as promised), and, after botching the first few lines and decidedly lowering expectations, pulled it off rather well, if i do say so myself. it was fun to have people to sing to :)

i needed to be at church the next morning at 8am. we didn't finish playing until 1:30am. this made for my second night in a row of getting to bed past 2am. i set my alarm for 7:30 and went to bed. to my chagrin, dismay and several other negative sentiments, i woke up at approximately 1:30pm. oh my. i slept through my alarm so long that it had apparently given up. unbelievable. i know that it went off because alisha later confirmed that she heard it from across the room. i quickly wrote an apologetic email to the choir director, for there was nothing else to be done.

despite the fact that i had slept through my rehearsal and both services, i felt wonderful. it seemed that i needed to rest.

i had lunch at the commune annex (marco and courtney's house) with them and mr. john bone. we had an interesting conversation about Godly decision-making, about whether or not there is always a right and a wrong answer. the more we talked, the more complicated the questions became - free will, perfect will, salvation, sanctification. soon we decided that it was always important to be sensitive to the leading of the Spirit, but beyond that, we were content to say 'i don't know'. well, at least i was. i don't have much of a problem leaving things at that. if i knew everything, then i would be God, but i'm not, so why pretend?

after lunch, the day progressed - cleaning, trader joe's, more cleaning, salad-making, more cleaning, clue (with suzanne on the webcam), prayers for a snow day, bubble bath, sleep.

this morning, i awoke to a bright, white north carolina. it's absolutely beautiful. i wasn't mad that the snow had weighed the bamboo plants so that they completely blocked the staircase from my room. i zipped up my fluffy white jacket and forced my way through the snowy jungle. i wasn't mad that my car was covered in snow, and me, late and without a brush/scraper. i wasn't made when i was driving to work, still essentially inside of a snowball, with limited vision - every lane-change an adventure. i was a little mad that it wasn't a snow day, but there's something ethereal about a snow-laden landscape, something that makes me smile.

all of this brings me to right now. i'm at my job, at my desk. i spent the morning drinking coffee and reading grapes of wrath. i intend to spent the afternoon the same way : )