now now now

once again, it's very late. i want to be asleep, but it's my final night of the five-blogs-in-five-days challenge, and i couldn't simply go to sleep with such an accomplishment at my fingertips. okay, it's not really that much of an accomplishment. some people blog every day. i'll try to blog more. i will. i will.

i'm not going to write much, mostly because i want to sleep.

what i want to say tonight is really something that i need to internalize, myself. people put a lot of pressure on themselves to make their lives look a certain way - have a certain career, certain body, certain partner, certain home, certain car - the list goes on and on. we all have an idea about what our lives could look like and should look like. take a second to envision that. it might not be specific, it might just be a state of mind, or even just a set of vague characteristics that will make you happy.

now that you have that in your head, you might either be excited, because you believe you're on your way, or depressed, because you just don't really see it happening, or know how to change that. it's the latter group that i often find myself in, and it's the latter group that i'd like to engage right now. so, all of you shiny, happy, on-your-way-to-the-top people can just stop reading right now. not really. that would hurt my feelings and you might become a bounce rate statistic for this blog.

now, second group, in my experience, those negative feelings often rest on me. i'm responsible for the direction of my life, and if i'm not making it happen, then it's my fault. this sort of self-loathing is how unhealthy complexes are born and perpetuated, and that just makes life difficult. i propose, for us, a slight shift in perspective. i've said this before - perspective is absolutely everything.

let us never be upset with ourselves for what our life looks like. that's silly and not constructive.

why?

well, because we, our present selves, really only have control over one thing - the absolute present. the only thing i can control at this very moment is what i write here, because that's what's going on right now. do you see? life is a vast series of very small and very large choices, and if we just focus on making the decision right in front of us a good decision, then we will be well on our way. this attitude may or may not change the course of our life. (that's a disclaimer - i'm not offering advice that will change your life circumstances, per se.) but, it will make the life we have a happier one.

for instance. let's say that i wanted a new job because the one i had was slowly crushing my soul. i could complain to everyone who would listen and be angry with myself for not having a better job, but that wouldn't help anything. it would only make me angry and think poorly of myself and i need to get along with myself because i have no choice but to be myself.

if i, instead, whenever tempted to have this bad attitude of exasperation and self-hatred, were to look online for a job, or work on my resume - that would be me, doing what i can do at that very second to make my life into something that i want it to be.

as i said at the beginning, this is a message to myself more than anything else: i can only do what i can do at any given time, let the rest fall as it will, because it will anyway, with or without a shred of my concern.

this is where, as a christian, i should have some sort of advantage. though i'm kind of unclear as to what God actually moves and changes in my every day life, trusting that things that i can't control will work out - looking for the good in everything, for the hand of God, is healthy. it, when done properly, allows me to focus only on what i can do in my tiny little sphere of influence, and if we all did that, all the time, our tiny spheres would make up one, giant, worry-free world.

you do plenty

what do i do?

i've been struggling as of late to try to answer this question, and many like it: what do i want to do? what should i do? what should i want to do?

do. what does that even mean? i just don't know. the whole thing is cyclical - being afraid of not having purpose, finding purpose, believing you'll be just fine, realizing you're not. i firmly believe that, as human beings, we have a deep need to feel like the things that we do every day matter. some people require less meaning, but we all need it in some form. i've found myself hard to please and forgetful.

i work, a lot. that is the core of my life in this season. i've accepted it, for the most part, but that doesn't stop me from feeling the guilt that one feels when they fall into thinking that their daily efforts help no one. i help myself, sure. i'm slowly crawling out of debt. of that, my parents are very proud. but i need more. i want more.

it is at this point in my thought process that i begin to remember other things about my life that must not be forgotten. for instance, my family. i am here for them in a way that i haven't been in a very long time - physically, geographically here.

i am learning, too. i am learning at my job, i am learning how to manage my time so that my jobs do not swallow me whole.

i play music. i even tread dangerously close to writing my own . . .

in short, i guess this whole post is for naught. i do plenty. it is not as glamorous as earning a degree, living abroad or any of the other things in which i have found peace in purpose over the past years, but it is plenty.

may i remember these thoughts, and how they must end - how much anxiety i give myself every day by allowing my life to be belittled. can i suspect that you might share this sentiment? we thirst for meaning so much, that we allow lies to seep into our minds, lies about our uselessness, followed by guilt about how our every day efforts help no one.

don't do it. don't believe it. you do plenty : )