now now now

once again, it's very late. i want to be asleep, but it's my final night of the five-blogs-in-five-days challenge, and i couldn't simply go to sleep with such an accomplishment at my fingertips. okay, it's not really that much of an accomplishment. some people blog every day. i'll try to blog more. i will. i will.

i'm not going to write much, mostly because i want to sleep.

what i want to say tonight is really something that i need to internalize, myself. people put a lot of pressure on themselves to make their lives look a certain way - have a certain career, certain body, certain partner, certain home, certain car - the list goes on and on. we all have an idea about what our lives could look like and should look like. take a second to envision that. it might not be specific, it might just be a state of mind, or even just a set of vague characteristics that will make you happy.

now that you have that in your head, you might either be excited, because you believe you're on your way, or depressed, because you just don't really see it happening, or know how to change that. it's the latter group that i often find myself in, and it's the latter group that i'd like to engage right now. so, all of you shiny, happy, on-your-way-to-the-top people can just stop reading right now. not really. that would hurt my feelings and you might become a bounce rate statistic for this blog.

now, second group, in my experience, those negative feelings often rest on me. i'm responsible for the direction of my life, and if i'm not making it happen, then it's my fault. this sort of self-loathing is how unhealthy complexes are born and perpetuated, and that just makes life difficult. i propose, for us, a slight shift in perspective. i've said this before - perspective is absolutely everything.

let us never be upset with ourselves for what our life looks like. that's silly and not constructive.

why?

well, because we, our present selves, really only have control over one thing - the absolute present. the only thing i can control at this very moment is what i write here, because that's what's going on right now. do you see? life is a vast series of very small and very large choices, and if we just focus on making the decision right in front of us a good decision, then we will be well on our way. this attitude may or may not change the course of our life. (that's a disclaimer - i'm not offering advice that will change your life circumstances, per se.) but, it will make the life we have a happier one.

for instance. let's say that i wanted a new job because the one i had was slowly crushing my soul. i could complain to everyone who would listen and be angry with myself for not having a better job, but that wouldn't help anything. it would only make me angry and think poorly of myself and i need to get along with myself because i have no choice but to be myself.

if i, instead, whenever tempted to have this bad attitude of exasperation and self-hatred, were to look online for a job, or work on my resume - that would be me, doing what i can do at that very second to make my life into something that i want it to be.

as i said at the beginning, this is a message to myself more than anything else: i can only do what i can do at any given time, let the rest fall as it will, because it will anyway, with or without a shred of my concern.

this is where, as a christian, i should have some sort of advantage. though i'm kind of unclear as to what God actually moves and changes in my every day life, trusting that things that i can't control will work out - looking for the good in everything, for the hand of God, is healthy. it, when done properly, allows me to focus only on what i can do in my tiny little sphere of influence, and if we all did that, all the time, our tiny spheres would make up one, giant, worry-free world.

one would think

one would think that spending most of my time with people who don't share my faith might weaken or dilute my faith.

the opposite is true.

filling my life with conversations with people who don't claim Jesus has had a very interesting effect: my faith has been affirmed, so very affirmed.

this is surprising because, before this season of life, i spent most of my life with very few significant relationships with those outside of the church. no one ever told me to be afraid, but i was, a bit. i was afraid of being in a place where i would be judged and rejected, and where everything i held most dear would be mocked.

i fear no more.

sure, i am not completely un-mocked, un-judged, and un-rejected, but the discomfort, the pain, even, is nothing, really, compared to the relief i feel, knowing that i can really belong to truly secular communities.

Jesus lived as though every person was worth seeing and loving. i say i serve Jesus, and that means i serve people. i connect with something inside of me that says that my well-being should be inextricably bound up in the well-being of other humans, any other human that it is within my sphere to impact - be they a friend, co-worker, or a poor farmer on a continent i may never visit.

when i connect with other people, even people who generally avoid christians like the plague, and when we discover that we're really not that different - we share that concern for the friend, the co-worker, and the poor farmer - my faith is affirmed. i was created to love, and so were they. they might not see it that way, but they inspire me because their compassion makes them more faithful followers of Christ than some people who claim His name.

sometimes i think, as christians, we lose the forest for the trees. we concentrate too much on the means, and not enough on the end. if we lift our gaze just a bit, to what it is that we're really trying to bring to pass, we might lock eyes with others who are looking there too, others with whom we never expected to share anything. and isn't that what Jesus did? share with the unexpected?

*therefore, i urge you brothers, do not think of yourselves more highly than you ought, but give those around you a chance to surprise and inspire you. let us allow ourselves to think that we might just have as much to learn as we do to offer, when it comes to our exchanges with the "outside world."

*Paul wont mind the plagiarism, I'm sure :)

new seasons new seasons

my first thought was that i was wrong. i was embarassed. this is the trouble with blogging - expressing your thoughts in a public arena - when you write wrong or ridiculous ideas in your journal and then realize you are wrong, no one need know. it's as if it never happened. reputation unscathed. here, it is different. sure, not many people read this, but knowing that many people could read this, if they were so inclined, makes me feel the same as if they did.


don't stop reading. i do intend to explain myself.


i wrote, not too long ago, about my life and how i 'do plenty'. the entire post was dedicated to my own vindication, to the satisfaction of my guilt for leading a less-than-remarkable life. since then, i've decided that i was wrong, that it is not okay to live a life unsatisfying. and since that decision was made, i've settled on new sentiments:

• i was not wrong in my previous blog - those statements still stand, or at least have been re-erected after destruction upon further consideration. (to summarize: my life here, now is great and wonderful and not to be thought ill of due to its routine or stasis.)


• i am not there (certainly at least some months from there), but i can see the place where the purposes for this season of life will be accomplished to a point of general satisfaction.


• therefore, it is okay, nay, necessary for me to begin planning for my next season, it's paths and purposes.


• i am freed and excited.

how did i come to these new conclusions? i'm glad you asked . . .

• i have become increasingly unattached to my day job. though i enjoy my co-workers and have also enjoyed learning about the educational publishing industry, a few different things have drastically lessened my desire to remain employed here for a long period of time.


• currently, i do very little at my job. well, very little related to publishing college textbooks. i spend a great deal of time on craigslist. though this is great fun (if you haven't looked around craigslist - personals, 'best of craigslist', etc. - you're missing out), it makes me feel as though i am wasting precious time in my young life.


• i once thought that it was a promotion that i wanted, that would solve all of my problems - more money (perhaps), more responsibility, more ownership, more tasks to fill my day, at the very least. that is no longer my belief. i work very closely with those in the position to which i would be promoted. they are smart, able individuals and yet their jobs provide them with a blend of uncertainty and urgency that makes me very uneasy, even from a distance.


• earned wages from the 6 jobs i had this year, a tax return, a small car-accident (possibly a product of divine intervention) insurance settlement - all of these things combined will soon put me in an adequate financial situation. federal students loans can be deferred for any number of things, right?


• i want to go back to school, not begin working my way up any ladder - corperate or otherwise. therefore, i do not need to worry about making my serial job situation look better by staying here at least one year, as long as i leave this job in order to do something that will improve the look of my future grad-school applications.

i must admit that i was partially inspired to make this decision (the decision to start making other decisions) by a church service. before you roll your eyes and close this window, hear me out. the speaker was the head of a church in Transnistria. he simply shared about the ministry there and the obstacles that have overcome - the great strides that have been made to house orphans and bring religious freedom to the citizens of the new and volatile nation.

i couldn't help but think that i had allowed myself to be a prisoner of my circumstances. i thought that i couldn't, anytime in the near future, go anywhere or do anything slightly radical because of my financial situation. suddenly, in light of the miraculous events about which i had been told, debt seemed so small. God wants the orphans to be cared for in Transnistria, and for their people to be free, and so God helped Yuri (the pastor) and his associates overcome those things which could not be overcome.

so, i realized, if God wants some other good done, and i volunteer to do it, then i should not worry about the obstacles that appear to hinder me. my chains are so small next to those from which i have seen others so easily freed, so why do i doubt? i think it comes down to control - i want to control my life and i want to know how things will be done. if i have debt, i want to know how it will be paid, cent for cent. that is the problem with us responsible, independent, in control, able people - we can't stand to be otherwise.

i want to be otherwise.

if we never surrender control, we will never free God within us to accomplish things that we cannot accomplish naturally.

this blog is long, so i will stop. i am looking for ideas - things to do, now that i am free to do them. please let me know if you have any suggestions. i hope that this new venture will include some combination of the following:

• travel


• ministry (church-related or otherwise)


• music


• learning (a language, perhaps?)


• mystery . . . adventure . . . romance : )

thanks for reading