sold

The following is a gchat conversation. The name of my fellow conversant has been changed to protect the relatively innocent :)
me: sometimes i think i just want a more interesting job

other person: ME TOO.

me: hah

other person: thats why they call it work, and not play

blog on that

me: no. it's depressing

other person: exactly my point

something died in me when I got my first grown up job after college

for real

me: i feel like a sell out

i might blog about that

owning a house and working a 9-5

other person: yeah, but sell-outs pay their bills

you are what makes this country

hippie college kids walking around Alaska do nothing for the economy, society. they are takers not givers

so THERE. take that all you clove smoking hipsters

me: i used to like cloves

even though it is said that they make your lungs bleed

i don't really like them anymore

other person: selling out, one hip habit at a time

you're half way to a mini van

me: i don't think i'll have a mini van anytime soon

marriage is the one sell-out thing i'm pretty far from

so at least i have that :)

other person: yeah, you'll turn around twice and you'll have 2 kids and a jello in your DVD player.

i can't really decide whether or not i really have sold out. i often feel like i have, but i often feel many negative things about myself that may or may not be true. let's have some retrospect, so you can look at my life the way that i'm looking at it right now:


age 23 katie: why, hello, age 15 katie! would you mind telling me where you'll be in 10 years?


age 15 katie: not at all. wow, that's a really long time from now. surely, i will have graduated from high school and college. i will most definitely be married and maybe even have a baby. that will be so great. my husband will probably be a pastor and definitely a musician and will absolutely adore me. i might even have a great job at some non-profit organization, saving the world and they will, of course, give me a long maternity leave and then let me come back part time, if i want to.



enter age 20 katie



age 15 and age 23 katie: hi!


age 20 katie: listen, age 15 katie, i just want to tell you this now - we're still single.


age 15 katie: what?! you're such a bum!


age 20 katie: eh.



exit age 15 katie in a fit of rage



age 23 katie: sorry about that, age 20 katie. age 15 katie is a bit nuts.


age 20 katie: oh, i remember.


age 23 katie: great. would you mind telling me where you'll be in 5 years?


age 20 katie: certainly. well, i know i will have graduated from milligan. i'll probably be in grad school, or teaching at some wonderful little high school where they pay me in maple syrup. maybe i'll be in a relationship, maybe not. i'll definitely be doing something interesting and helpful for the world. hopefully i'll be playing a lot of music and writing. heck, i might even be a psalter.


i may or may not have gotten carried away in that hypothetical conversation between 3 different selves, but i'm done now and let us proceed.

now, it's clear that i've completely let down my 15 year old self, but that reminds me of a line in a song:

i know, we're not where i promised you we'd be by now,
but maybe it's a question of who'd want it anyhow?

that's not to say that if i, for some reason, was married and with child tomorrow, that i'd be devastated. i would embrace it. but, it's not something that i'm particularly longing for at this moment. i'm content in my life of parties and baking, sans diapers and where-will-we-spend-christmas? arguments.

it's the 20 year old self that i feel more upset about disappointing. i had such high hopes for myself - that i would do something different, unusual, radical, even. that i would live a life worth talking about. have i sold my dreams for a yellow kitchen and a steady paycheck? i understand that i'm only 23, but many people have done great things by the time they were my age, or at least working toward it. i have friends working in foreign countries, ministering in the church, teaching in the inner-city. i have an entry-level position and i wait tables. and i've started owning lots of things. i own a house and a couch and lovely dining room set. that bothers me - owning lots of things. it makes me feel heavier.

but at the same time, i will say that i still love my house and all of the things in it. i find them to be great tools of hospitality, and this i love. i also love having money with which to do nice things for people. for instance, i decided that i was going to make my brother a beautiful birthday cake from scratch. it cost $40 to get everything i needed! i like being able to do that, and to have parties to bring people together, and offer my house if anyone needs a roof or a family.

so, maybe working a 9-5 and owning a house isn't selling out after all. maybe "helping the world" doesn't necessarily mean doing that for a living. maybe that just means making life better for the people in your world. maybe i should just appreciate being blessed enough to bless others, and do it.

and perhaps, i'm really just taking myself far too seriously:
katie: i'm writing a blog and trying to decide whether or not i've sold out.
unnamed co-worker: i think you need to have gotten more before you're considered a sell out.
katie: great. i'm a sell out with nothing to show for it.


in order to help me feel better about my often-tiresome job, i'm going to try to get some short stories published, and hit up a few more open mics. i'll let you know how that goes. it's not a move to central america to live in a hut and rock orphan infants, but these are things that can happen now. perhaps i should try to steer away from escapist coping mechanisms for a bit and just try to make my life one that doesn't need them.

embarrassing

i don't even know what to write. it's all embarrassing. i missed the unc english graduate program application deadline. it was today and my application was 90% complete the minute the red text appeared that said "application deadline past" in the exact place where the "submit" button once was. obviously, i should have seen it coming - the deadline now, technically, being yesterday.

i was recently advised against applying to the MTS program at duke because it's competitive and i have no plan.

the only other graduate school option i have considered is a program in london. how can i possibly afford to go to graduate school in london? i don't know either.

basically, i'm tired of my wonderful, better-than-average-but-still-entry-level job, but i don't know what else to do.

now, i completely understand that i may write next week about how i want to grow old and retire at this job, but for the time being, i'm frustrated with it. i know that i'm really very blessed to have a job that i enjoy in such a precarious economic climate (two, even!), but does that mean that i need to be satisfied as i head into a second year of working two jobs, neither of which do i believe are really developing me as a person, or allowing me to use my gifts and talents in a truly fulfilling way? i feel like a brat just typing this. it certainly IS so much to ask for these things in a job, especially now.

so, i will be quiet, go to work(s) and finish my application for the program in london, just in case they feel like awarding me some sort of fantastic scholarship - one that will make it only a slight impossibility, as opposed to a laughability (made up).


i actually feel somewhat better now that i've officially missed the deadline. at least there's nothing i can do about it - feeling bad doesn't help anything. today at work, when i was working on my application and thinking about how i wasn't even really that interested in getting an MA in english, i started to get truly stressed out. the 1/4 life crisis feeling was growing in my throat, as it often does these days, while i watched the clock crawl from 4:50 to 5:00. it took so long. when it was over, i went home and piled my entire wardrobe on my bed. item by item, i put everything back, neatly, with the exception of he things that didn't make he cut. a small mound of clothing in the hallway outside my door slowly grew into a sizable pile. the process did not complete my application, but it was therapeutic. a clean closet helps to achieve a clean brain. when i was done, it was time to go to courtney's (my lovely sister-in-law) birthday party. next thing i knew, it was 11pm. i worked on my essay until 12:13, at which time, i discovered the application expiration. i guess i see now where my priorities are - clean closets and birthday parties, not graduate school.

i am disappointed not because it was the option that i loved, but because it was an option. sometimes potential options are all that get me through a bad day of checking indexes and 12% tips. as they dwindle, my patience dwindles, my tolerance dwindles, my grace dwindles. i don't like it. i feel myself becoming a person who is slightly less happy. i don't know how to help it.


like i said, who knows how i will feel 5 days or even 5 minutes from now, hopefully better and full of optimism. i pray now that i can be less consumed by my desire to have my desires met and maybe be more consumed by a desire to see the desires of others met. who knows, maybe it will become a two birds with one stone situation.

behind and restless

behind.

when i started this blog in january, i had a dream of posting an average of 4 blogs every month. as you can see, i'm about 8 blogs behind and the year is nearly over. i'm going to try to play catch-up. we'll see if i make it. i'll try not to cheat and split single blogs into several posts. i'll try.



restless.

i think it has something to do with the fact that my 1-year anniversary at this job is today. thanks for remembering, by the way.

this was my goal - to have a grown-up job for one year. now i've done it. i'm officially respectable.

the problem with reaching my goal is that now i am no longer satisfied at this desk. admittedly, my satisfaction over the past year was a precarious thing, but now it is ever more fragile. broken, even. i was at this point once before - in the early spring, i believe. then, it was because i had nothing to do here. then, my antidote was to plan a move to central america. i know it would likely not happened, but the thought freed my mind. freedom of the mind, i believe, is far more important than freedom of any other kind.

this time, i'm not planning a move to central america. i'm applying to grad school. i take the GRE next wednesday. i'm applying to duke divinity for the masters of theological studies program; unc chapel hill for the masters of english program; and hopefully an english program or two back in england. in fact, if anyone knows anything about any english programs in england, that would be helpful. i have no idea where to begin picking one, or even three.

i'm taking the GRE and applying to these programs not necessarily because it's what i believe i need to do next, but because these acts give me a sort of vital forward momentum. if i fail and don't get into anything, or decide i just don't have enough money, then at least i tried. in that case, i would most likely embark on a job-search. after all, i am respectable now.

i would love to work in a PR/editorial position at a non-profit organization or interesting publication. those sorts of jobs aren't exactly flooding craigslist, but who knows.

new seasons new seasons

my first thought was that i was wrong. i was embarassed. this is the trouble with blogging - expressing your thoughts in a public arena - when you write wrong or ridiculous ideas in your journal and then realize you are wrong, no one need know. it's as if it never happened. reputation unscathed. here, it is different. sure, not many people read this, but knowing that many people could read this, if they were so inclined, makes me feel the same as if they did.


don't stop reading. i do intend to explain myself.


i wrote, not too long ago, about my life and how i 'do plenty'. the entire post was dedicated to my own vindication, to the satisfaction of my guilt for leading a less-than-remarkable life. since then, i've decided that i was wrong, that it is not okay to live a life unsatisfying. and since that decision was made, i've settled on new sentiments:

• i was not wrong in my previous blog - those statements still stand, or at least have been re-erected after destruction upon further consideration. (to summarize: my life here, now is great and wonderful and not to be thought ill of due to its routine or stasis.)


• i am not there (certainly at least some months from there), but i can see the place where the purposes for this season of life will be accomplished to a point of general satisfaction.


• therefore, it is okay, nay, necessary for me to begin planning for my next season, it's paths and purposes.


• i am freed and excited.

how did i come to these new conclusions? i'm glad you asked . . .

• i have become increasingly unattached to my day job. though i enjoy my co-workers and have also enjoyed learning about the educational publishing industry, a few different things have drastically lessened my desire to remain employed here for a long period of time.


• currently, i do very little at my job. well, very little related to publishing college textbooks. i spend a great deal of time on craigslist. though this is great fun (if you haven't looked around craigslist - personals, 'best of craigslist', etc. - you're missing out), it makes me feel as though i am wasting precious time in my young life.


• i once thought that it was a promotion that i wanted, that would solve all of my problems - more money (perhaps), more responsibility, more ownership, more tasks to fill my day, at the very least. that is no longer my belief. i work very closely with those in the position to which i would be promoted. they are smart, able individuals and yet their jobs provide them with a blend of uncertainty and urgency that makes me very uneasy, even from a distance.


• earned wages from the 6 jobs i had this year, a tax return, a small car-accident (possibly a product of divine intervention) insurance settlement - all of these things combined will soon put me in an adequate financial situation. federal students loans can be deferred for any number of things, right?


• i want to go back to school, not begin working my way up any ladder - corperate or otherwise. therefore, i do not need to worry about making my serial job situation look better by staying here at least one year, as long as i leave this job in order to do something that will improve the look of my future grad-school applications.

i must admit that i was partially inspired to make this decision (the decision to start making other decisions) by a church service. before you roll your eyes and close this window, hear me out. the speaker was the head of a church in Transnistria. he simply shared about the ministry there and the obstacles that have overcome - the great strides that have been made to house orphans and bring religious freedom to the citizens of the new and volatile nation.

i couldn't help but think that i had allowed myself to be a prisoner of my circumstances. i thought that i couldn't, anytime in the near future, go anywhere or do anything slightly radical because of my financial situation. suddenly, in light of the miraculous events about which i had been told, debt seemed so small. God wants the orphans to be cared for in Transnistria, and for their people to be free, and so God helped Yuri (the pastor) and his associates overcome those things which could not be overcome.

so, i realized, if God wants some other good done, and i volunteer to do it, then i should not worry about the obstacles that appear to hinder me. my chains are so small next to those from which i have seen others so easily freed, so why do i doubt? i think it comes down to control - i want to control my life and i want to know how things will be done. if i have debt, i want to know how it will be paid, cent for cent. that is the problem with us responsible, independent, in control, able people - we can't stand to be otherwise.

i want to be otherwise.

if we never surrender control, we will never free God within us to accomplish things that we cannot accomplish naturally.

this blog is long, so i will stop. i am looking for ideas - things to do, now that i am free to do them. please let me know if you have any suggestions. i hope that this new venture will include some combination of the following:

• travel


• ministry (church-related or otherwise)


• music


• learning (a language, perhaps?)


• mystery . . . adventure . . . romance : )

thanks for reading