i don't even know what to write. it's all embarrassing. i missed the unc english graduate program application deadline. it was today and my application was 90% complete the minute the red text appeared that said "application deadline past" in the exact place where the "submit" button once was. obviously, i should have seen it coming - the deadline now, technically, being yesterday.
i was recently advised against applying to the MTS program at duke because it's competitive and i have no plan.
the only other graduate school option i have considered is a program in london. how can i possibly afford to go to graduate school in london? i don't know either.
basically, i'm tired of my wonderful, better-than-average-but-still-entry-level job, but i don't know what else to do.
now, i completely understand that i may write next week about how i want to grow old and retire at this job, but for the time being, i'm frustrated with it. i know that i'm really very blessed to have a job that i enjoy in such a precarious economic climate (two, even!), but does that mean that i need to be satisfied as i head into a second year of working two jobs, neither of which do i believe are really developing me as a person, or allowing me to use my gifts and talents in a truly fulfilling way? i feel like a brat just typing this. it certainly IS so much to ask for these things in a job, especially now.
so, i will be quiet, go to work(s) and finish my application for the program in london, just in case they feel like awarding me some sort of fantastic scholarship - one that will make it only a slight impossibility, as opposed to a laughability (made up).
i actually feel somewhat better now that i've officially missed the deadline. at least there's nothing i can do about it - feeling bad doesn't help anything. today at work, when i was working on my application and thinking about how i wasn't even really that interested in getting an MA in english, i started to get truly stressed out. the 1/4 life crisis feeling was growing in my throat, as it often does these days, while i watched the clock crawl from 4:50 to 5:00. it took so long. when it was over, i went home and piled my entire wardrobe on my bed. item by item, i put everything back, neatly, with the exception of he things that didn't make he cut. a small mound of clothing in the hallway outside my door slowly grew into a sizable pile. the process did not complete my application, but it was therapeutic. a clean closet helps to achieve a clean brain. when i was done, it was time to go to courtney's (my lovely sister-in-law) birthday party. next thing i knew, it was 11pm. i worked on my essay until 12:13, at which time, i discovered the application expiration. i guess i see now where my priorities are - clean closets and birthday parties, not graduate school.
i am disappointed not because it was the option that i loved, but because it was an option. sometimes potential options are all that get me through a bad day of checking indexes and 12% tips. as they dwindle, my patience dwindles, my tolerance dwindles, my grace dwindles. i don't like it. i feel myself becoming a person who is slightly less happy. i don't know how to help it.
like i said, who knows how i will feel 5 days or even 5 minutes from now, hopefully better and full of optimism. i pray now that i can be less consumed by my desire to have my desires met and maybe be more consumed by a desire to see the desires of others met. who knows, maybe it will become a two birds with one stone situation.
Showing posts with label grad-school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grad-school. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
dollah dollah billz
i'm in a weird place.
not physically. i'm just in my room, but my place in life is weird. i'm still buying a house, but this process is so long and just keeps getting longer. by the end of it, i believe i will have spent the same length of time as an entire semester (allow me to revert to student-timing), just trying to buy a house. it's mentally frustrating, trying to prepare for a big transition that refuses to come.
it's not at all that i want to leave the commune. i really do love it here. i know that i will miss spending time with the people who live here with me because i know that i wont possibly see them as much. i already see them remarkably less than one would think, considering our proximity to one another. but, like i've said before, i believe it's a good step for everyone.
i recently purchased a set of furniture for my new home, should i ever actually live there. one piece is a chaise, which i plan to put in my room, and faint on from time to time, just for fun. last sunday, i went to my house with alisha and steven and laid on the floor of each empty room, imagining furniture and colors. it was great fun, though, i think, technically trespassing.
last night after work, i ran to thy gym, and the spent two hours in classes (body pump and yoga). i hadn't been in a couple of weeks, so it was a nice way to spend the evening. after i got home, i watched as episode of 'intervention' with my parents (love it) and then refused to start a movie with them at 10:00 because i couldn't stay up that late. i went to my room, changed into pjs and checked my voicemail. i had one from the cool kids at carmine's, and they were all going to bailey's to celebrate our dear noah's last night.
some people might think - it's already past 10:00, i have to be at work at 9:00, i really should go to sleep instead of driving 10 minutes away to hang out at a bar. some people also don't have a severe distaste for missing things. i got dressed and went, and didn't return until around 2:30. it was a whole lot of fun and i don't regret it, but when my alarm went off at 8:00 this morning, i did not feel well. i was tired from having not slept enough or well, i was hungry from not having eaten a real meal since 1:00 yesterday afternoon, i was so very sore from my gym craziness, and i was dehydrated from no water and some buffalo wings.
so, i've taken a sick day. that is why i am able to blog right now. i don't have much time these days. i worked about 70 hours last week - between the 9-5 and the restaurant gig. i can't complain too much. i have two jobs that i enjoy. it does make me tired, though. by this past sunday, i kind of felt like i was committing a slow sort of suicide. this week, i was scheduled for one less shift at the restaurant, and i found someone to cover another one - so that's a step in the right direction.
alisha (my roommate) is in ethiopia doing something very awesome, but it is still sad that she is gone for a whole two weeks more.
while writing this blog, i thought about writing, again, that i want to go to the divinity school at duke. and then i thought to myself: 'self, why don't you actually take a step in that direction, instead of just talking about it.' and so i did. i sent an email to the admissions dept, asking to set up an appointment. the only issue i take with the div school plan is that it very well may cost a lot of dollah dollah billz that i don't have. hopefully an admissions counselor will reveal all sorts of lovely opportunities that will make this be not so, but i guess we'll see.
i realize that this is a collection of random thoughts, but if i keep writing nothing at all, i will, well, keep writing nothing at all.
not physically. i'm just in my room, but my place in life is weird. i'm still buying a house, but this process is so long and just keeps getting longer. by the end of it, i believe i will have spent the same length of time as an entire semester (allow me to revert to student-timing), just trying to buy a house. it's mentally frustrating, trying to prepare for a big transition that refuses to come.
it's not at all that i want to leave the commune. i really do love it here. i know that i will miss spending time with the people who live here with me because i know that i wont possibly see them as much. i already see them remarkably less than one would think, considering our proximity to one another. but, like i've said before, i believe it's a good step for everyone.
i recently purchased a set of furniture for my new home, should i ever actually live there. one piece is a chaise, which i plan to put in my room, and faint on from time to time, just for fun. last sunday, i went to my house with alisha and steven and laid on the floor of each empty room, imagining furniture and colors. it was great fun, though, i think, technically trespassing.
last night after work, i ran to thy gym, and the spent two hours in classes (body pump and yoga). i hadn't been in a couple of weeks, so it was a nice way to spend the evening. after i got home, i watched as episode of 'intervention' with my parents (love it) and then refused to start a movie with them at 10:00 because i couldn't stay up that late. i went to my room, changed into pjs and checked my voicemail. i had one from the cool kids at carmine's, and they were all going to bailey's to celebrate our dear noah's last night.
some people might think - it's already past 10:00, i have to be at work at 9:00, i really should go to sleep instead of driving 10 minutes away to hang out at a bar. some people also don't have a severe distaste for missing things. i got dressed and went, and didn't return until around 2:30. it was a whole lot of fun and i don't regret it, but when my alarm went off at 8:00 this morning, i did not feel well. i was tired from having not slept enough or well, i was hungry from not having eaten a real meal since 1:00 yesterday afternoon, i was so very sore from my gym craziness, and i was dehydrated from no water and some buffalo wings.
so, i've taken a sick day. that is why i am able to blog right now. i don't have much time these days. i worked about 70 hours last week - between the 9-5 and the restaurant gig. i can't complain too much. i have two jobs that i enjoy. it does make me tired, though. by this past sunday, i kind of felt like i was committing a slow sort of suicide. this week, i was scheduled for one less shift at the restaurant, and i found someone to cover another one - so that's a step in the right direction.
alisha (my roommate) is in ethiopia doing something very awesome, but it is still sad that she is gone for a whole two weeks more.
while writing this blog, i thought about writing, again, that i want to go to the divinity school at duke. and then i thought to myself: 'self, why don't you actually take a step in that direction, instead of just talking about it.' and so i did. i sent an email to the admissions dept, asking to set up an appointment. the only issue i take with the div school plan is that it very well may cost a lot of dollah dollah billz that i don't have. hopefully an admissions counselor will reveal all sorts of lovely opportunities that will make this be not so, but i guess we'll see.
i realize that this is a collection of random thoughts, but if i keep writing nothing at all, i will, well, keep writing nothing at all.
Monday, July 13, 2009
in case you were curious
if i wait to blog until i feel like i have something earth-shattering to talk about, then i may never blog again. so here they are - a series of small updates.
i'm still buying a house and i'm still pretty excited about it. i drift off to sleep thinking about accent walls and coffee tables. though i'm still sad about the dissolution of the commune, i think it's going to be good for me. right now, i'm still qualifying for financing and whatnot, but as soon as the house is mine, i'll post some pictures somewhere, and ask all of you creative people to send me stuff with which to decorate my house :)
though there are several reasons for this move to happen, i cannot deny that there is much i will miss. living in carrboro, though a bit strange (i've recently heard it called a 'fantasy land'), has its perks - i can walk to my gym, my natural foods store and my local farmer's market. i can also walk to downtown chapel hill, which has more bars and coffee shops than i could ever frequent, even if i went out every night, twice. i will also miss my family and my delightful roommate. alright alright, let me move on before i change my mind . . .
because this house business is pretty expensive, i've been working a lot. i work 9-5 monday through friday, and then at Carmine's (restaurant) some nights and weekends. depending on how long my Carmine's shift-count is up for, it could get tiring, but right now, it's fun and somewhat lucrative, so that's good. i enjoy the people i work with there, so even if it's slow, it's fun, and that makes it worth being there.
the family tension has eased. i've continued to learn that people aren't as resilient as i would like them to be (including myself). i always look for some dramatic event - a conversation or something - to change everything, to fix everything. people rarely work that way. though it often takes seconds to inflict pain on someone, it may take years for that wound to heal. this is annoying, especially for a fixer like me, but it's just how we operate. i can be grateful that there is still plenty of love to go around, and good intentions. without these things, the wounds might never heal.
i've been thinking more about grad-school. in theory, i'm going to apply to the english MA program at UNC and the divinity school (program tbd) at Duke. assuming that i can get into both of these programs (which is kind of a leap), i'm not sure which one i would choose, or maybe try to design a hybrid? i'm not sure. i think that if i had to choose one, i would go to the divinity school - it just seems more relevant to my life. however, i do have a love for classic literature, and i think that it makes me a better person to learn more about people through what they have written, just as it makes me a better person to learn more about people and God through what we've written about God over the years. i guess this will all be irrelevant if i don't start taking some real steps toward applications and decision-making.
i am going to tx for the first time in a couple of weeks for my dear friends maggie and isaac's wedding. i'm excited to be a part of such a wonderful event and to travel to a place i've never been before to see so many people that i love. i'm smiling just thinking about it.
alright, just writing this blog has given me a couple ideas for some other blogs, so maybe this dry spell will end for a bit and i will have some profound, or even just interesting things for you to read. at the very least, give you a good reason to believe that you're not the only crazy one - i always like that :)
i'm still buying a house and i'm still pretty excited about it. i drift off to sleep thinking about accent walls and coffee tables. though i'm still sad about the dissolution of the commune, i think it's going to be good for me. right now, i'm still qualifying for financing and whatnot, but as soon as the house is mine, i'll post some pictures somewhere, and ask all of you creative people to send me stuff with which to decorate my house :)
though there are several reasons for this move to happen, i cannot deny that there is much i will miss. living in carrboro, though a bit strange (i've recently heard it called a 'fantasy land'), has its perks - i can walk to my gym, my natural foods store and my local farmer's market. i can also walk to downtown chapel hill, which has more bars and coffee shops than i could ever frequent, even if i went out every night, twice. i will also miss my family and my delightful roommate. alright alright, let me move on before i change my mind . . .
because this house business is pretty expensive, i've been working a lot. i work 9-5 monday through friday, and then at Carmine's (restaurant) some nights and weekends. depending on how long my Carmine's shift-count is up for, it could get tiring, but right now, it's fun and somewhat lucrative, so that's good. i enjoy the people i work with there, so even if it's slow, it's fun, and that makes it worth being there.
the family tension has eased. i've continued to learn that people aren't as resilient as i would like them to be (including myself). i always look for some dramatic event - a conversation or something - to change everything, to fix everything. people rarely work that way. though it often takes seconds to inflict pain on someone, it may take years for that wound to heal. this is annoying, especially for a fixer like me, but it's just how we operate. i can be grateful that there is still plenty of love to go around, and good intentions. without these things, the wounds might never heal.
i've been thinking more about grad-school. in theory, i'm going to apply to the english MA program at UNC and the divinity school (program tbd) at Duke. assuming that i can get into both of these programs (which is kind of a leap), i'm not sure which one i would choose, or maybe try to design a hybrid? i'm not sure. i think that if i had to choose one, i would go to the divinity school - it just seems more relevant to my life. however, i do have a love for classic literature, and i think that it makes me a better person to learn more about people through what they have written, just as it makes me a better person to learn more about people and God through what we've written about God over the years. i guess this will all be irrelevant if i don't start taking some real steps toward applications and decision-making.
i am going to tx for the first time in a couple of weeks for my dear friends maggie and isaac's wedding. i'm excited to be a part of such a wonderful event and to travel to a place i've never been before to see so many people that i love. i'm smiling just thinking about it.
alright, just writing this blog has given me a couple ideas for some other blogs, so maybe this dry spell will end for a bit and i will have some profound, or even just interesting things for you to read. at the very least, give you a good reason to believe that you're not the only crazy one - i always like that :)
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