update(s)

i live in my own house now. i love it. it's a lot of work. it's like i'm now in a relationship with a very demanding man, except that instead of love and kisses in return, i get a roof over my head and my own bathtub. we're very happy.

i've painted many rooms. some are silly. i've learned many things in the process: paint always dries darker; you will usually run out of paint.

i still work too much.

i've been trying to craigslist a washer, dryer, sectional, and dining room set for weeks. one success: today, i bought a sectional. it's leather. it's beige. it's so very comfortable. it may be too big for the room for which it is intended. i think i will love it. if i don't, back to craigslist it goes.

i still enjoy both of my jobs.

i miss the commune: the bamboo, my roommate, my parents, my neices, my gym, my carrboro.

i knew i would. it's to be expected. i have no regret.

i dyed my hair 'navajo bronze.' i'm still not sure if i'm too pale to pull it off. i might look scary.

i still love jesus.

i'm trying not to eat/drink dairy. venti soy cafe misto, please. i'm not very good at it, otherwise. i work at an italian restaurant, which could as easily be called a dairy restaurant. cheese is delicious.

i discovered lip stain; like lipstick, but better.

my sister is back from costa rica. i love it. i love her. we wait tables together. look out, dining world of chapel hill.

my roommate brother bought a 42'' LCD television for our living room. i'm not really a TV gal, but it's pretty awesome.

i might have bone spurs in my left foot. it hurts.

i realized that i've been to 10 weddings in the last 18 months. i was in three of them. always a bridesmaid :)

last weekend, i was in NY for a karaoke/dancing-filled family reunion. this weekend, i will be in TN for homecoming. if there is karaoke/dancing, i wont be mad.

i adjusted the thermostat on my hot-water heater. it made me feel like an independent woman. woop woop.

i need a new laptop. i need a new camera. i also need the things listed above (craigslist). i find comfort in the fact that it is human to always feel "need." humans can be dumb.

i have a little bamboo plant from the blankenschade wedding. it is thriving at my new house. i feel that my own well-being here is somehow tied to the fate of that plant. weird. at least it's doing well.

i bought awesome new boots, but can't really wear them because of my bad foot.

i played music on the street a few weeks ago. there are many stories. ask if you're intrigued.

olive garden commercials are dumb (circumstantial addition).

i want to have a party. when the couch is here and the dining room set is here, it will happen. the washer and dryer aren't really necessary.

come and visit, please.

in case you were curious

if i wait to blog until i feel like i have something earth-shattering to talk about, then i may never blog again. so here they are - a series of small updates.

i'm still buying a house and i'm still pretty excited about it. i drift off to sleep thinking about accent walls and coffee tables. though i'm still sad about the dissolution of the commune, i think it's going to be good for me. right now, i'm still qualifying for financing and whatnot, but as soon as the house is mine, i'll post some pictures somewhere, and ask all of you creative people to send me stuff with which to decorate my house :)

though there are several reasons for this move to happen, i cannot deny that there is much i will miss. living in carrboro, though a bit strange (i've recently heard it called a 'fantasy land'), has its perks - i can walk to my gym, my natural foods store and my local farmer's market. i can also walk to downtown chapel hill, which has more bars and coffee shops than i could ever frequent, even if i went out every night, twice. i will also miss my family and my delightful roommate. alright alright, let me move on before i change my mind . . .

because this house business is pretty expensive, i've been working a lot. i work 9-5 monday through friday, and then at Carmine's (restaurant) some nights and weekends. depending on how long my Carmine's shift-count is up for, it could get tiring, but right now, it's fun and somewhat lucrative, so that's good. i enjoy the people i work with there, so even if it's slow, it's fun, and that makes it worth being there.

the family tension has eased. i've continued to learn that people aren't as resilient as i would like them to be (including myself). i always look for some dramatic event - a conversation or something - to change everything, to fix everything. people rarely work that way. though it often takes seconds to inflict pain on someone, it may take years for that wound to heal. this is annoying, especially for a fixer like me, but it's just how we operate. i can be grateful that there is still plenty of love to go around, and good intentions. without these things, the wounds might never heal.

i've been thinking more about grad-school. in theory, i'm going to apply to the english MA program at UNC and the divinity school (program tbd) at Duke. assuming that i can get into both of these programs (which is kind of a leap), i'm not sure which one i would choose, or maybe try to design a hybrid? i'm not sure. i think that if i had to choose one, i would go to the divinity school - it just seems more relevant to my life. however, i do have a love for classic literature, and i think that it makes me a better person to learn more about people through what they have written, just as it makes me a better person to learn more about people and God through what we've written about God over the years. i guess this will all be irrelevant if i don't start taking some real steps toward applications and decision-making.

i am going to tx for the first time in a couple of weeks for my dear friends maggie and isaac's wedding. i'm excited to be a part of such a wonderful event and to travel to a place i've never been before to see so many people that i love. i'm smiling just thinking about it.

alright, just writing this blog has given me a couple ideas for some other blogs, so maybe this dry spell will end for a bit and i will have some profound, or even just interesting things for you to read. at the very least, give you a good reason to believe that you're not the only crazy one - i always like that :)

but life goes on

i feel like most blog entries that i read (including some of mine, not that i go back and read them *cough*) begin with something to the effect of "wow, i haven't written in a while." so, i'm not going to do that, i'll just get on with it.

the last few weeks have been . . . tumultuous, to say the least. i've been avoiding writing because the things that have been occupying my thoughts most have been the sort of things one cannot really blog about - things that will incriminate one and/or the ones that one loves.

as some politicians might say (and i know because i was once a poli-sci major) - feelings were hurt and are being hurt, bad conversations have happened, good ones have not happened, love is not winning. the whole thing breaks my heart into so many pieces that sometimes i think that i will forever see the cracks, even if they get put back together again. i know that's emotional and not rational, but that has been my life as of late. it's hard to sort through powerful, overwhelming emotions in order to find truth. not just logic, but truth and wisdom. i can't say that i've done that, and i can't even say where i've failed - it's too close around me to be seen clearly.

if you're not wholly frustrated by my purposeful ambiguity, then read on.

though very painful, i have been trying to find good in all of this. it is my family that has fallen prey to, well, my family i guess. i'll proudly admit that i've found nearly all of my purpose and identity over the past year in my family. i moved here for us, i worked, worshiped, played with us. it was great and lovely and i think, in so many ways, exactly what i needed. i don't know what i would have done without such an amazing network of people - all caring for one another, all living and sharing life together. it really was a blessed season.

to be honest, i probably never would have let it go, ever. i would have stayed at the commune (where i live now with most of my family) forever, making my (if ever) husband move here with me and my children grow amongst the bamboo jungle in our yard. and that would have been great. but, community living is hard, very hard, and it takes a compassion and selflessness that is beyond most people. i was so proud of my family and, in a way, i thought it might be invincible. this is where i have found growth in the heartache: it is time to move on. i cannot allow my own well-being to be so inextricably caught up in the behavior and relationships of others, even if they are my family. i need to be able to have more grace for these people that i love - i cannot have this grace if my heart bleeds with every intimation of conflict. my heart has bled too much. i do not claim to be innocent, but, as i said before, it is all still too close to understand. i am waiting for retrospect to provide clarity, be it vindication or guilt.

i am not giving up on anything, just trying to be healthy. i still think my family is cooler than your family (hah) and that we will all be happy with each other once again. let us pray that that day will be sooner rather than later.

i am trying to buy a house. it is a lovely house: 3 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, energy efficient. it is in durham, nc. 2.5 miles from my job. 13 miles from the commune. i think it is an opportunity for me to start a different kind of life.

college was formula. the commune was baby food. now it's time for some tofu stirfry.

it's been 17 days

oh my. it's been 17 days and i haven't posted anything.

you know what i blame? my job. i've been actually working all day, every day over the past few weeks. isn't that nuts? i know, i'm about to ask for a raise if i'm going to actually be doing things.

i jest, i jest. it's been nice, actually. i feel like a real professional, with real responsibilities who doesn't online shop more than the average real responsible professional.

there is a lull right now, and so, though i'm not particularly motivated to write, i will, just so i don't forget how.

there have been a few developments in my life:
i have health insurance for the first time, well, ever. so i've had an eye exam, a physical, and there's a dentist appointment on the books. i'm actually getting glasses for reading and computer stuff, apparently i'm far-sighted. who knew? i picked out these really hip banana republic glasses, but after being told their cost, i opted from some lovely little glasses out of the (not-labeled-this-way-but-i-assume) bargain drawer. they're nice, black and simple. i resisted the temptation to make gains in my life-long quest to appear intellectual and artistic by choosing simple frames. i think it's good for me.

i started going to classes at the gym - yoga first and now i've been to one 'body pump' class. i plan to go to more, but it's been 3 days since my first one, and i am just now able to walk up and down stairs without gripping the railing for my life. i'm hoping it will get easier as i get more ripped. i also went to a 'body jam' class because i like to dance. it was kind of fun, but full of middle-aged women who have been doing that same routine for months. i wasn't crazy about the choreography either. maybe i'll try a different instructor . . .

this happened a while ago, but i think it was pretty great and i never blogged about it: my lovely friend johannah and i, while she was here visiting, were the 'featured performers' at jack sprat's (a fun local bar) weekly open mic, which happened to fall on st. patrick's day. it was great fun. the guy running the thing (alex, i believe), plugged us between each act that preceded us, which was fun, we played a whole mini-set and even got paid a bit. it was johannah's first paying gig, and my first gig in nc that didn't involve any of my family members. it went well - everyone was already having a good time, so it was a good crowd to play for. johannah played some of her lovely original music (which can be found here: http://myspace.com/johannahswank), and i played a few covers: carey, by joni mitchell (for the second time at that venue, but i'm sure no one noticed), what if i stumble, by dc talk (which spurred the following conversation with a jovial young man up front -

young man: was that jars of clay?
me: no, dc talk, but you were close.
young man: i knew i heard it at church. what, are you trying to make me feel bad?
me: (laughing) that is not our intent. we're just here to have a good time.)

jo and i assisted each other with back-up vocals where we could, and overall, it was a great experience. playing with friends is always a lot of fun. just like playing with family, but different. i closed out the set with closing time, by semisonic, which was particularly fun because all of the responsibly-enjoying-their-alcohol folks sang along.

speaking of gigs, oscar begat had a show last week. i was not really that pumped about it. i don't know why. it was in durham on a thursday and it was a shortish set, so i didn't' really invite many people. sometimes those shows, those ones that i'm not that excited about, end up being some of the greatest. this was like that - there was a lot of energy and we just had a whole lot of fun. it made me sad in light of the impending dissolution of oscar begat, but i guess it's better to go out on a high note.

speaking of gigs, again, i went to a show at the pinhook in durham last friday: the last show of tooth, a wonderful durham-based metal band including my friend noah, the drummer, who is an animal once you get him behind a kit, and sometimes when you don't : )

i stood on a chair against the right wall of the venue so that i could see and so that i would not be moshed. i kind of felt like a mom, watching the mosh-pit. i was glad that everyone was having fun, but also very concerned for their safety. it was a great show, lots of energy and adoring fans.

an ending little story: i just joined goodreads.com. i sent an email to some people asking them to join goodreads.com too, so i can see what they're reading/have read/recommend. i started the email with 'i'm bored at work . . .'. i, without thinking, sent the email to my boss at her work email. that's all.

weekend update

it rained and rained.

i love to live in a place where there are many green things and grass and dirt, but the loveliness of my yard melts when it rains too much. i find myself sinking en route to my car, and making a giant leap over a mud bath, always hoping to land safely in my driver's seat. i haven't failed yet, but i dread the day.

though the rain dampened my spirits during these house-to-car trips (dampened, get it?), it was a good weekend.

friday, i worked both jobs. it was a long day, but the two workplaces are so very different, it was not tedious. hosting on a busy friday night does give one a sense of control amidst undeniable chaos. i like that.

after work, i had a handful of co-workers over for some drinks and some rock band. it was a good time.

saturday was la-hong (long). i woke up late, went to the raleigh farmers market for the first time. it was a pleasant trip, made more pleasant after my honey-stick purchase.

after the farmers market, i went to choir practice, then a worship-band rehearsal for a 'global impact celebration' youth service, then the service itself. then, i went home to get ready for the oscar begat show.

i always have a hard time figuring out what to wear to these things. i like to be all fun and rock-star, but my wardrobe is a little short on rock-star attire, so i have be creative. once i was relatively satisfied, i went to the venue.

whenever we have a show, there is always a big rush to get to the venue on time, and then we wait. marco and i were the last to arrive (about 9pm). we did basically nothing except eat our free food and drink our free drinks. we didn't play until about 11:30/12am. the opening band was on at 10, so we watched them (Brett Harris) and basically just hung out and talked about how many of the musicianny men around were definitely wearing pants smaller than mine. i tried to cope.

by the time we finally went on, a crowd of my fellow restauranteers had showed up. i was very excited to see them all there - being still kind of new to the area, i don't usually have a great 'katie section' at shows. i felt so loved and supported.

the show went relatively well. we were missing my dad (ronnie d) and so there were no guitar solos or lead guitar rifts. that was a bit sad, but the show went on. i played 'carey' by joni mitchell solo (as promised), and, after botching the first few lines and decidedly lowering expectations, pulled it off rather well, if i do say so myself. it was fun to have people to sing to :)

i needed to be at church the next morning at 8am. we didn't finish playing until 1:30am. this made for my second night in a row of getting to bed past 2am. i set my alarm for 7:30 and went to bed. to my chagrin, dismay and several other negative sentiments, i woke up at approximately 1:30pm. oh my. i slept through my alarm so long that it had apparently given up. unbelievable. i know that it went off because alisha later confirmed that she heard it from across the room. i quickly wrote an apologetic email to the choir director, for there was nothing else to be done.

despite the fact that i had slept through my rehearsal and both services, i felt wonderful. it seemed that i needed to rest.

i had lunch at the commune annex (marco and courtney's house) with them and mr. john bone. we had an interesting conversation about Godly decision-making, about whether or not there is always a right and a wrong answer. the more we talked, the more complicated the questions became - free will, perfect will, salvation, sanctification. soon we decided that it was always important to be sensitive to the leading of the Spirit, but beyond that, we were content to say 'i don't know'. well, at least i was. i don't have much of a problem leaving things at that. if i knew everything, then i would be God, but i'm not, so why pretend?

after lunch, the day progressed - cleaning, trader joe's, more cleaning, salad-making, more cleaning, clue (with suzanne on the webcam), prayers for a snow day, bubble bath, sleep.

this morning, i awoke to a bright, white north carolina. it's absolutely beautiful. i wasn't mad that the snow had weighed the bamboo plants so that they completely blocked the staircase from my room. i zipped up my fluffy white jacket and forced my way through the snowy jungle. i wasn't mad that my car was covered in snow, and me, late and without a brush/scraper. i wasn't made when i was driving to work, still essentially inside of a snowball, with limited vision - every lane-change an adventure. i was a little mad that it wasn't a snow day, but there's something ethereal about a snow-laden landscape, something that makes me smile.

all of this brings me to right now. i'm at my job, at my desk. i spent the morning drinking coffee and reading grapes of wrath. i intend to spent the afternoon the same way : )

i pester

i beg you to know what is going on in my life because i am human. it is the reason we all tell too many stories that are too long and which we know those around us care little about. we just want to be known, understood. keeping that in mind, here are some little things about my life right now that i want you to know:

1. my room is an absolute disaster. it's odd because i like my room to be clean, and i have had the time to clean it, but have simply refused.
2. i have become a sort of gym rat. not necessarily because i like the gym, or working out. in fact, i still think that those people who list 'working out' as an 'interest' should have their heads examined. i do it, however, because it is a part of personal improvement that i have failed to master in the past. i don't think that it is something i will do forever, but it is a good experience, i think.
3. my car is broken - it runs, but has an unindentifiable electrical problem that may cause the alternator and thereby the battery to die without warning. so, i drive my sister's car, but it too is unhealthy. it leaks oil, a lot. i put a quart in about every two days. i also just put a whole gallon of windshield wiper fluid into the appropriate container under the hood (i had no idea it could hold so much!) only to find that the passenger side 'squirter' is broken, and the driver's side 'squirter' reaches about a quarter of the way up the window. i am now glad that i did not spring for the 'rain-x'.
4. i'm reading grapes of wrath.
5. i've become a bit of a water-drinker. a half-gallon per day on average (between the hours of 9 and 5), which is a lot for me - i don't drink much else.
6. i've really come to enjoy my roommate, alisha. we never really planned to be roommates, it just happened, and i'm glad : )
7. i still love waiting tables. i wish i did it more. i now host about as much, sometimes more, than i serve, but that's fun (though less lucrative) too because i get to dress up. i wish i had more reasons to dress up.
8. i recently got my first real, went-to-a-real-hip-salon-and-paid-for-it-haircut and i like it. i color my hair about once a monthish for fun. i'm thinking of going lighter again, for a change, and growing out my bangs again, for a change.
9. i really, very much love to sing. i've been practicing some covers with my big baby taylor and may be playing some solo at the next oscar begat show (saturday).
10. i often look at the 'missed connections' section on craigslist and hope that someone is looking for me, i just think it would be fun and romantic.
11. i work right next to target and go there WAY too often. i don't know what i buy, but i do know that i spend far too much money at the lovely store with the round, red, logo.
    

well, that's all i can think of right now, but i'm sure i'll post more random things occasionally. if there is anything that you'd like me to know, any seemingly trivial developments in your life that don't quite fit into a conversation, or on a facebook wall, now's the time. comment away : )