her battle within

being a person who has never really dated, i don't pretend to be an expert on the subject. in fact, i claim to know nothing for sure, despite the wealth of information that i have gathered of the past 23 years, watching other relationships - i feel that, though it may be true and insightful in my head right now, it will help me very little in future practice.

that being said, i wish only to comment on my own struggle as i interact with the opposite sex. i find myself ever-wavering between the longing to be wholly desired and the need to be truly respected. some of you may not see these as mutually exclusive, but i promise you that there is an argument to make to that effect - at least considering the behavior of men in this day and age. ideally, of course, i would find myself in a relationship where i am certain of my partner's respect and attraction to me, but as it stands right now, i am single, and, depending on the day, the hour, or the minute, i strive for one or the other, not always seeing a simultaneous pursuit as an option.

now, if you are a man and are convinced that i am fostering a vivid delusion, let me put your mind at rest and our relationship right by saying that of course i know that it is possible to achieve both of these things without adopting a second identity. what i really mean to draw attention to is the trouble with being a perpetually single woman. (this could very well be the plight of non-single women as well, but i can only speak from my experience).

i can't deny my need to feel beautiful, nor do i want to - i believe that this is an innately human, or at least innately feminine trait. however, i am also continually reminded that those woman who are considered the most beautiful are those who spend a great deal of time and concern becoming that way at the gym or the cosmetics counter (save a lucky few). thereby, my subconscious is trained as to the importance of my appearance. my time spent may begin to reflect this, but my good conscience quickly provides guilt at such vanity. another wonderful cycle - what is a girl to do?

let me take this opportunity to speak to my strapping, young brothers in Christ. if you love us, you will not put beautiful women with moral standards less than that which you expect of us on a pedestal, even in jest. it makes our lives difficult, makes it difficult for our minds to be pure and conflict free, and then you wonder why all women are so insecure. praise us for our modesty - it means much more than you might think. it is you, afterall, you that we are trying to protect.

(as a side note, i ask that you not pretend that you know what it is to be woman, just as we should not act as though we know what it is to be a man. we do not know your assailants and you do not know how the feminine heart is daily assaulted - what it is to be made to feel devalued by only an inappropriate passing glance, let alone the other, more creative and less discrete ways that some men make their intentions known.)

i want to be sensible, Godly, conscientious, wise, outwardly-focused, loving, but i was also designed to need my beauty as a woman noticed and praised. it would be easy enough to get my fix by getting dolled up and hitting 'the bar', but i don't think that was what God had in mind when Eve was created, and so i don't think that is what is intended for me.

i will press on. i will do my best, by the grace of God, to be a woman after the heart of God, a pure heart. it is not easy, and i do not doubt that i will, on occasion, fall to the temptation to pursue cheap admiration, but with prayer and the help of my brothers (especially my brothers) and sisters in Christ, i will make more progress and less mistakes as time goes by.