new seasons new seasons

my first thought was that i was wrong. i was embarassed. this is the trouble with blogging - expressing your thoughts in a public arena - when you write wrong or ridiculous ideas in your journal and then realize you are wrong, no one need know. it's as if it never happened. reputation unscathed. here, it is different. sure, not many people read this, but knowing that many people could read this, if they were so inclined, makes me feel the same as if they did.


don't stop reading. i do intend to explain myself.


i wrote, not too long ago, about my life and how i 'do plenty'. the entire post was dedicated to my own vindication, to the satisfaction of my guilt for leading a less-than-remarkable life. since then, i've decided that i was wrong, that it is not okay to live a life unsatisfying. and since that decision was made, i've settled on new sentiments:

• i was not wrong in my previous blog - those statements still stand, or at least have been re-erected after destruction upon further consideration. (to summarize: my life here, now is great and wonderful and not to be thought ill of due to its routine or stasis.)


• i am not there (certainly at least some months from there), but i can see the place where the purposes for this season of life will be accomplished to a point of general satisfaction.


• therefore, it is okay, nay, necessary for me to begin planning for my next season, it's paths and purposes.


• i am freed and excited.

how did i come to these new conclusions? i'm glad you asked . . .

• i have become increasingly unattached to my day job. though i enjoy my co-workers and have also enjoyed learning about the educational publishing industry, a few different things have drastically lessened my desire to remain employed here for a long period of time.


• currently, i do very little at my job. well, very little related to publishing college textbooks. i spend a great deal of time on craigslist. though this is great fun (if you haven't looked around craigslist - personals, 'best of craigslist', etc. - you're missing out), it makes me feel as though i am wasting precious time in my young life.


• i once thought that it was a promotion that i wanted, that would solve all of my problems - more money (perhaps), more responsibility, more ownership, more tasks to fill my day, at the very least. that is no longer my belief. i work very closely with those in the position to which i would be promoted. they are smart, able individuals and yet their jobs provide them with a blend of uncertainty and urgency that makes me very uneasy, even from a distance.


• earned wages from the 6 jobs i had this year, a tax return, a small car-accident (possibly a product of divine intervention) insurance settlement - all of these things combined will soon put me in an adequate financial situation. federal students loans can be deferred for any number of things, right?


• i want to go back to school, not begin working my way up any ladder - corperate or otherwise. therefore, i do not need to worry about making my serial job situation look better by staying here at least one year, as long as i leave this job in order to do something that will improve the look of my future grad-school applications.

i must admit that i was partially inspired to make this decision (the decision to start making other decisions) by a church service. before you roll your eyes and close this window, hear me out. the speaker was the head of a church in Transnistria. he simply shared about the ministry there and the obstacles that have overcome - the great strides that have been made to house orphans and bring religious freedom to the citizens of the new and volatile nation.

i couldn't help but think that i had allowed myself to be a prisoner of my circumstances. i thought that i couldn't, anytime in the near future, go anywhere or do anything slightly radical because of my financial situation. suddenly, in light of the miraculous events about which i had been told, debt seemed so small. God wants the orphans to be cared for in Transnistria, and for their people to be free, and so God helped Yuri (the pastor) and his associates overcome those things which could not be overcome.

so, i realized, if God wants some other good done, and i volunteer to do it, then i should not worry about the obstacles that appear to hinder me. my chains are so small next to those from which i have seen others so easily freed, so why do i doubt? i think it comes down to control - i want to control my life and i want to know how things will be done. if i have debt, i want to know how it will be paid, cent for cent. that is the problem with us responsible, independent, in control, able people - we can't stand to be otherwise.

i want to be otherwise.

if we never surrender control, we will never free God within us to accomplish things that we cannot accomplish naturally.

this blog is long, so i will stop. i am looking for ideas - things to do, now that i am free to do them. please let me know if you have any suggestions. i hope that this new venture will include some combination of the following:

• travel


• ministry (church-related or otherwise)


• music


• learning (a language, perhaps?)


• mystery . . . adventure . . . romance : )

thanks for reading