you do plenty

what do i do?

i've been struggling as of late to try to answer this question, and many like it: what do i want to do? what should i do? what should i want to do?

do. what does that even mean? i just don't know. the whole thing is cyclical - being afraid of not having purpose, finding purpose, believing you'll be just fine, realizing you're not. i firmly believe that, as human beings, we have a deep need to feel like the things that we do every day matter. some people require less meaning, but we all need it in some form. i've found myself hard to please and forgetful.

i work, a lot. that is the core of my life in this season. i've accepted it, for the most part, but that doesn't stop me from feeling the guilt that one feels when they fall into thinking that their daily efforts help no one. i help myself, sure. i'm slowly crawling out of debt. of that, my parents are very proud. but i need more. i want more.

it is at this point in my thought process that i begin to remember other things about my life that must not be forgotten. for instance, my family. i am here for them in a way that i haven't been in a very long time - physically, geographically here.

i am learning, too. i am learning at my job, i am learning how to manage my time so that my jobs do not swallow me whole.

i play music. i even tread dangerously close to writing my own . . .

in short, i guess this whole post is for naught. i do plenty. it is not as glamorous as earning a degree, living abroad or any of the other things in which i have found peace in purpose over the past years, but it is plenty.

may i remember these thoughts, and how they must end - how much anxiety i give myself every day by allowing my life to be belittled. can i suspect that you might share this sentiment? we thirst for meaning so much, that we allow lies to seep into our minds, lies about our uselessness, followed by guilt about how our every day efforts help no one.

don't do it. don't believe it. you do plenty : )