for the sake of suspense

i wrote before about how i was at least planning to plan something different for my future. when i wrote that, i actually had an idea in mind, but i didn't write it because the blog was already getting a bit lengthy, i was curious to see if anyone had any great ideas for my life (thank you kenny-moving to nh to play and sing is more than tempting. oh how i miss the strange brew, and you guys, of course:) and i thought it would be more dramatic if a slight pause happened, a time to dwell on these exciting new prospects without committing to one idea.

well, the pause may be over. i really think that i want to move to south/central america to teach. my lovely roommate alisha is on board and my sister (pending her acceptance/non-acceptance into unc chapel hill) may still be in costa rica when all of the plans that i have yet to make come to fruition.

because i'm such a big fan of the bulletted/numbered outline, these are the reasons that i think south/central america is the place for me . . .

• i know some, but i want to learn to speak spanish like a pro. (though that would cause problems at my restraunt job when my usual method of evasion is 'no comprendo, lo siento'.)
• i want to meet and marry a beautiful latino man who will salsa dance his way into my heart and then have beautiful salsa-dancing children.
• i did the europe thing (which i absolutely loved) and so i think that living in a different culture that is different from the different culture in which i have already lived would be a good experience.
• it's warm and pretty.
• my sister may be there.

i haven't done a whole lot of research yet. (i don't plan to go until the late summer/fall.) but i did find this school in san jose that looks like a cool opportunity: http://www.teachabroad.com/listingsp3.cfm/listing/41927

that's all, i just wanted to keep you posted on my schemes. if you know of any great organizations/programs/etc., that i might be able to help with my numerous skills (hah), then please let me know.

much love and a happy thursday.

i pester

i beg you to know what is going on in my life because i am human. it is the reason we all tell too many stories that are too long and which we know those around us care little about. we just want to be known, understood. keeping that in mind, here are some little things about my life right now that i want you to know:

1. my room is an absolute disaster. it's odd because i like my room to be clean, and i have had the time to clean it, but have simply refused.
2. i have become a sort of gym rat. not necessarily because i like the gym, or working out. in fact, i still think that those people who list 'working out' as an 'interest' should have their heads examined. i do it, however, because it is a part of personal improvement that i have failed to master in the past. i don't think that it is something i will do forever, but it is a good experience, i think.
3. my car is broken - it runs, but has an unindentifiable electrical problem that may cause the alternator and thereby the battery to die without warning. so, i drive my sister's car, but it too is unhealthy. it leaks oil, a lot. i put a quart in about every two days. i also just put a whole gallon of windshield wiper fluid into the appropriate container under the hood (i had no idea it could hold so much!) only to find that the passenger side 'squirter' is broken, and the driver's side 'squirter' reaches about a quarter of the way up the window. i am now glad that i did not spring for the 'rain-x'.
4. i'm reading grapes of wrath.
5. i've become a bit of a water-drinker. a half-gallon per day on average (between the hours of 9 and 5), which is a lot for me - i don't drink much else.
6. i've really come to enjoy my roommate, alisha. we never really planned to be roommates, it just happened, and i'm glad : )
7. i still love waiting tables. i wish i did it more. i now host about as much, sometimes more, than i serve, but that's fun (though less lucrative) too because i get to dress up. i wish i had more reasons to dress up.
8. i recently got my first real, went-to-a-real-hip-salon-and-paid-for-it-haircut and i like it. i color my hair about once a monthish for fun. i'm thinking of going lighter again, for a change, and growing out my bangs again, for a change.
9. i really, very much love to sing. i've been practicing some covers with my big baby taylor and may be playing some solo at the next oscar begat show (saturday).
10. i often look at the 'missed connections' section on craigslist and hope that someone is looking for me, i just think it would be fun and romantic.
11. i work right next to target and go there WAY too often. i don't know what i buy, but i do know that i spend far too much money at the lovely store with the round, red, logo.
    

well, that's all i can think of right now, but i'm sure i'll post more random things occasionally. if there is anything that you'd like me to know, any seemingly trivial developments in your life that don't quite fit into a conversation, or on a facebook wall, now's the time. comment away : )

new seasons new seasons

my first thought was that i was wrong. i was embarassed. this is the trouble with blogging - expressing your thoughts in a public arena - when you write wrong or ridiculous ideas in your journal and then realize you are wrong, no one need know. it's as if it never happened. reputation unscathed. here, it is different. sure, not many people read this, but knowing that many people could read this, if they were so inclined, makes me feel the same as if they did.


don't stop reading. i do intend to explain myself.


i wrote, not too long ago, about my life and how i 'do plenty'. the entire post was dedicated to my own vindication, to the satisfaction of my guilt for leading a less-than-remarkable life. since then, i've decided that i was wrong, that it is not okay to live a life unsatisfying. and since that decision was made, i've settled on new sentiments:

• i was not wrong in my previous blog - those statements still stand, or at least have been re-erected after destruction upon further consideration. (to summarize: my life here, now is great and wonderful and not to be thought ill of due to its routine or stasis.)


• i am not there (certainly at least some months from there), but i can see the place where the purposes for this season of life will be accomplished to a point of general satisfaction.


• therefore, it is okay, nay, necessary for me to begin planning for my next season, it's paths and purposes.


• i am freed and excited.

how did i come to these new conclusions? i'm glad you asked . . .

• i have become increasingly unattached to my day job. though i enjoy my co-workers and have also enjoyed learning about the educational publishing industry, a few different things have drastically lessened my desire to remain employed here for a long period of time.


• currently, i do very little at my job. well, very little related to publishing college textbooks. i spend a great deal of time on craigslist. though this is great fun (if you haven't looked around craigslist - personals, 'best of craigslist', etc. - you're missing out), it makes me feel as though i am wasting precious time in my young life.


• i once thought that it was a promotion that i wanted, that would solve all of my problems - more money (perhaps), more responsibility, more ownership, more tasks to fill my day, at the very least. that is no longer my belief. i work very closely with those in the position to which i would be promoted. they are smart, able individuals and yet their jobs provide them with a blend of uncertainty and urgency that makes me very uneasy, even from a distance.


• earned wages from the 6 jobs i had this year, a tax return, a small car-accident (possibly a product of divine intervention) insurance settlement - all of these things combined will soon put me in an adequate financial situation. federal students loans can be deferred for any number of things, right?


• i want to go back to school, not begin working my way up any ladder - corperate or otherwise. therefore, i do not need to worry about making my serial job situation look better by staying here at least one year, as long as i leave this job in order to do something that will improve the look of my future grad-school applications.

i must admit that i was partially inspired to make this decision (the decision to start making other decisions) by a church service. before you roll your eyes and close this window, hear me out. the speaker was the head of a church in Transnistria. he simply shared about the ministry there and the obstacles that have overcome - the great strides that have been made to house orphans and bring religious freedom to the citizens of the new and volatile nation.

i couldn't help but think that i had allowed myself to be a prisoner of my circumstances. i thought that i couldn't, anytime in the near future, go anywhere or do anything slightly radical because of my financial situation. suddenly, in light of the miraculous events about which i had been told, debt seemed so small. God wants the orphans to be cared for in Transnistria, and for their people to be free, and so God helped Yuri (the pastor) and his associates overcome those things which could not be overcome.

so, i realized, if God wants some other good done, and i volunteer to do it, then i should not worry about the obstacles that appear to hinder me. my chains are so small next to those from which i have seen others so easily freed, so why do i doubt? i think it comes down to control - i want to control my life and i want to know how things will be done. if i have debt, i want to know how it will be paid, cent for cent. that is the problem with us responsible, independent, in control, able people - we can't stand to be otherwise.

i want to be otherwise.

if we never surrender control, we will never free God within us to accomplish things that we cannot accomplish naturally.

this blog is long, so i will stop. i am looking for ideas - things to do, now that i am free to do them. please let me know if you have any suggestions. i hope that this new venture will include some combination of the following:

• travel


• ministry (church-related or otherwise)


• music


• learning (a language, perhaps?)


• mystery . . . adventure . . . romance : )

thanks for reading

music for the miserable?

i've just seen an add for an article entitled 'music for the miserable' and one of the featured artists was joni mitchell. now, before i go on to defend her, let me be honest and say that i wouldn't call myself intimately familiar with all of her work - mostly the blue album and selected other songs. but, i do have a mix cd in my car right now - one that i have been listening to for days, and one that i, myself, made with care - with several of her songs on it. this is not one of those mix cds that one makes with sweet, satisfying sadness in mind, either. i know, i've made several of those. in fact, written on the topside of the cd in silver sharpie is the title 'sunny day ladies'!



now that i've convinced you that joni mitchell is not, at least not in my mind, depressing, let me tell you why i love her. her music is unique, honest and tells stories over the whole spectrum of human emotion- some might be characterized as sad, but what human has no experiences of sadness? no one that i've ever met. (hopefully that's not a reflection of my effect on people : / ) further more, others of her pieces, i would characterize as downright playful.


let me use this joni mitchell discussion to segway into a somewhat related topic - music snobbery. i can't stand it. now, i'm sure that i have done my fair share of judging people based on their 'music' section on facebook, but in my heart of hearts, i want my ears to be ignorant of nothing. why? well, because i think that music is an excellent avenue for human expression, and that every song betrays some sort of real human emotion or experience, despite how shallow, deep, cliche, or unique that emotion or experience might be. for every genre, there is a group of people who sit in their cars and think "they get me, this artist totally gets me". so, if i deny myself a particular genre completely, then i am saying to that group of people - "your feelings aren't real and they don't deserve my consideration". what i am encouraging here and what i probably don't do a very good job of myself, is a well-rounded understanding of the art form and how it relates to all people.


i am not innocent. let me be candid here - i do not like country music because i find it vapid and cliche. i do not like some rap/pop music because it hurts my feminine heart. i do not like some harder music because it hurts my human heart. those things being as they are (admittedly horrid generalizations), i cannot deny that there are real people who connect with those things.


(i do enjoy much pop music; not necessarily for its emotional clarity, but for its singability and dancability. i refused to have this taken from me, or from anyone else by music elitists. music can and should sometimes be fun and only fun.<(period) because life itself can and should sometimes be fun and only fun - it's good for the human spirit.) i like (most of) my art true and beautiful (with the exception of the occasional guilty-pleasure-on-the-radio-solo-dance-party-in-my-car and other such blissful frivolity), but i acknowledge that it is my truth and my beauty that i seek. if i do not share these things with another person, i cannot expect them to value the same anything, including art. this brings me back to joni mitchell. do not judge her, or me for listening to her. i am not miserable, i just like what i like and "you're a mean old daddy, but i like you." : )



p.s. that last one was from 'cary' by joni mitchell, hopefully appearing at an open mic night near you. (i'm working on it).

i recorded this song today (7/1/10), almost a year and a half after this post was written, and thought it appropriate to add the video. i'm not sure if this is a blogging faux pas. i hope not. i hate those.

23

yesterday, the 23rd year of my life ended. in this blog, inspired by alisha, i will recall triumphs and dissapointments of the year, and hopes for the 24th year of my life on which i embark today.

things i accomplished in the 23rd year:

• graduating from college
• writing, self-publishing and distributing a book (of sorts - stories can be found here:http://oxfordblunders.blogspot.com)
• submitting said book for publication and being offered a contract
• choosing not to accept said contract for artistic purist reasons :)
• seeing the weddings of a best friend and a brother
• settling into 2 jobs that i enjoy
• paying parental debt/rent/cell phone/car insurance/student loan bills for the first, second, third . . . . times
• playing several successful shows with oscar begat
• finding a new church
• writing a script and narrating for a short film (http://skunkophilia.blogspot.com/2009/01/shaving.html)
• taking my neices to their first play and throwing their first slumber party

things i wish i hadn't accomplished in the 23rd year:

• graduating from college
• being rejected from teach for america
• moving so far away from some of the people i love the most
• having 6 different jobs
• being fired twice
• seeing the decline/death of my laptop and automobile
• seeing the weddings of a best friend and a brother
• missing a wedding in michigan, and a chance to see my kindred oxonians

things i hope to accomplish in the 24th year

• buying a car (maybe a computer, but probably not. i know these are 'hopes', but let's be serious)
• paying off parental/credit cardal debt completely
• writing a song
• keeping both jobs that i enjoy
• taking the GRE at least once
• reading good books
• going back to europe, at least for a bit
• making plans to move or being accepted to grad school in NC
• going on a date : )
• going to california
• growing my hair super-hippie-long
• submitting my short stories to a literary magazine
• playing out by myself

i guess i could go on and on for any of these lists, but i'll stop here.

thank you for everyone who made this 23rd year of my life a great one, and to all of those who will make the next one even better : )

if you have any additions to any of my lists, please let me know.

her battle within

being a person who has never really dated, i don't pretend to be an expert on the subject. in fact, i claim to know nothing for sure, despite the wealth of information that i have gathered of the past 23 years, watching other relationships - i feel that, though it may be true and insightful in my head right now, it will help me very little in future practice.

that being said, i wish only to comment on my own struggle as i interact with the opposite sex. i find myself ever-wavering between the longing to be wholly desired and the need to be truly respected. some of you may not see these as mutually exclusive, but i promise you that there is an argument to make to that effect - at least considering the behavior of men in this day and age. ideally, of course, i would find myself in a relationship where i am certain of my partner's respect and attraction to me, but as it stands right now, i am single, and, depending on the day, the hour, or the minute, i strive for one or the other, not always seeing a simultaneous pursuit as an option.

now, if you are a man and are convinced that i am fostering a vivid delusion, let me put your mind at rest and our relationship right by saying that of course i know that it is possible to achieve both of these things without adopting a second identity. what i really mean to draw attention to is the trouble with being a perpetually single woman. (this could very well be the plight of non-single women as well, but i can only speak from my experience).

i can't deny my need to feel beautiful, nor do i want to - i believe that this is an innately human, or at least innately feminine trait. however, i am also continually reminded that those woman who are considered the most beautiful are those who spend a great deal of time and concern becoming that way at the gym or the cosmetics counter (save a lucky few). thereby, my subconscious is trained as to the importance of my appearance. my time spent may begin to reflect this, but my good conscience quickly provides guilt at such vanity. another wonderful cycle - what is a girl to do?

let me take this opportunity to speak to my strapping, young brothers in Christ. if you love us, you will not put beautiful women with moral standards less than that which you expect of us on a pedestal, even in jest. it makes our lives difficult, makes it difficult for our minds to be pure and conflict free, and then you wonder why all women are so insecure. praise us for our modesty - it means much more than you might think. it is you, afterall, you that we are trying to protect.

(as a side note, i ask that you not pretend that you know what it is to be woman, just as we should not act as though we know what it is to be a man. we do not know your assailants and you do not know how the feminine heart is daily assaulted - what it is to be made to feel devalued by only an inappropriate passing glance, let alone the other, more creative and less discrete ways that some men make their intentions known.)

i want to be sensible, Godly, conscientious, wise, outwardly-focused, loving, but i was also designed to need my beauty as a woman noticed and praised. it would be easy enough to get my fix by getting dolled up and hitting 'the bar', but i don't think that was what God had in mind when Eve was created, and so i don't think that is what is intended for me.

i will press on. i will do my best, by the grace of God, to be a woman after the heart of God, a pure heart. it is not easy, and i do not doubt that i will, on occasion, fall to the temptation to pursue cheap admiration, but with prayer and the help of my brothers (especially my brothers) and sisters in Christ, i will make more progress and less mistakes as time goes by.

you do plenty

what do i do?

i've been struggling as of late to try to answer this question, and many like it: what do i want to do? what should i do? what should i want to do?

do. what does that even mean? i just don't know. the whole thing is cyclical - being afraid of not having purpose, finding purpose, believing you'll be just fine, realizing you're not. i firmly believe that, as human beings, we have a deep need to feel like the things that we do every day matter. some people require less meaning, but we all need it in some form. i've found myself hard to please and forgetful.

i work, a lot. that is the core of my life in this season. i've accepted it, for the most part, but that doesn't stop me from feeling the guilt that one feels when they fall into thinking that their daily efforts help no one. i help myself, sure. i'm slowly crawling out of debt. of that, my parents are very proud. but i need more. i want more.

it is at this point in my thought process that i begin to remember other things about my life that must not be forgotten. for instance, my family. i am here for them in a way that i haven't been in a very long time - physically, geographically here.

i am learning, too. i am learning at my job, i am learning how to manage my time so that my jobs do not swallow me whole.

i play music. i even tread dangerously close to writing my own . . .

in short, i guess this whole post is for naught. i do plenty. it is not as glamorous as earning a degree, living abroad or any of the other things in which i have found peace in purpose over the past years, but it is plenty.

may i remember these thoughts, and how they must end - how much anxiety i give myself every day by allowing my life to be belittled. can i suspect that you might share this sentiment? we thirst for meaning so much, that we allow lies to seep into our minds, lies about our uselessness, followed by guilt about how our every day efforts help no one.

don't do it. don't believe it. you do plenty : )

hair evolution

so, i've been looking at pictures lately, and have been noticing the evolution of my hair, and how the changes keep getting less and less subtle. i am always in the market for fun new ideas, so journey with me through my hair history, and if you feel inspired to make a suggestion for a next step, please do : )


fall 2004:

winter 2005:

spring 2006:

fall 2006:

spring 2007:

fall 2007:

later in the fall 2007:

spring 2008:

summer 2008:

fall 2008:

later in the fall 2008:

winter 2009 (current):